I struggle with how much of myself I should share on this blog, in the name of promoting a healthy lifestyle. I like to be an open book and let you all know what I am going through, but sometimes I wonder if that is really best. Today I’ve decided to let you all in on a little secret because maybe there is someone out there who is going through what I am going through.
I suffer from S.A.D.
S.A.D, which stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, is a type of depression that comes and goes with the changing of the seasons. For most of us who suffer from it, it arrives in November (or late October) and last throughout the Winter (till the end of March for me). But there are those who have it during the summer months.
I’ve only known I’ve had it for a few years and let me tell you, S.A.D is a very ugly thing to experience.
Confession #1: Several times in my life I’ve wanted to die.
No, I didn’t want to kill myself. That’s not something I’d ever do. But I have, in the past, wanted my life to end. Why? Well, it’s the pain of feeling as if my life doesn’t matter. That no one cares. That there is no purpose to it. You hate everything about yourself and curse God for making you into such a terrible waste of human space.
When stuck in the S.A.D cloud, I can usually manage when things are going well. I scrape by, outwardly appearing as if everything is okay, and with enough distractions, I can feel pretty good. But God forbid something insignificant goes wrong? If I run out of gas in my car, the world is ending!!! Seriously, the most minor things become a travesty.
When stuck with S.A.D, the people in your life let you down. Even when they don’t, in your mind they do. And you get unreasonably hurt by them, for no reason except for how you think they’ve done you wrong. It can be a look, and inflection in their voice that pushes you down that spiral.
The other night I went to a scheduled meeting at work. No one showed up. No one told me they weren’t going to show up. I used my last train fare to get there. So not only did I waste my time getting to a meeting no one showed up to, I had to walk 90 minutes home because my Metrocard for the train ran out and I had no money. It was about 28 degrees outside and dark. And I had to go through some of the most unappealing, unsafe neighborhoods alone. At night. In the cold.
I kept texting people, just to have someone to talk to, but no one was available. This was my life. Alone, in the dark, in the cold, with not a friend in the world.
I was in tears by the time I got home. I was pissed off, sad, and so completely down, I couldn’t even bring myself to watch the next episode of “The Walking Dead”. I just sat on the edge of my bed, wishing one of the characters would appear and cut off my head. Seriously Micchone, where are you when I need you.
Had it been summer, I would have thoroughly enjoyed that walk. And that’s the difference.
The next day was more of the same. I felt miserable. No joy. No happiness. I needed people, but no one seemed interested. I felt lost. The voice in my head kept telling me to leave, just go. That night I sat near the Verrazano Bridge thinking, “I could just get in the car and drive”. I could leave and no one would give a flying shit. But I didn’t even have the balls to do that.
This last episode of darkness lasted 3 days straight. Usually it will be one day on, 2 days off, or maybe just a few hours in a day, something like that. But 3 days in a row was the worst it’s ever been. I tried and tried to pull myself out of it, but just couldn’t. There was no hope.
A day or so later, after a conversation with a friend, I slowly started to feel better. The darkness faded and I could feel the light again. And it was in this light that I concluded that this could not got on. There were a few decisions that I had made, yet hadn’t quite committed to. But that day, with a clear head, I set a few life decisions in stone.
To Be Continued…